What a freakin’ summer…

Where has the time gone?

I feel like I have so much to say and not enough strength or will to say any of it.  I try not to get too personal on the blog anymore- the internet is a big place and if you want to read about people’s personal lives there are plenty of other places to do it.  But man… this summer was a freaking doozie.  It started out great- I was looking forward to my kids being home all summer and loving on them every single day.  Stuffing our faces with ice pops, impromptu trips to the park, reading club at the library; it was going to be awesome.  And then in early May something happened that broke me.  In more ways than one, I was so completely broken.  I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t design.  I was barely able to Mother my babies and everything that I had was focused on that.  If that was the only thing in the world that I could do, damn it I was going to do it well.  I had to go through the motions of my daily life, forcing a smile and cheery demeanor.  My kids knew, but thank God they never asked.  I had designs that were due to editors, samples that needed to be finished- work was piling up all over the place and I couldn’t even face it.  I lost 10 pounds sitting on my butt watching my kids play video games.  I would make them fun lunches and tell them cheesy, horrible jokes to hear their laughter.  It kept me alive.  They kept me alive with their smiles and laughter.  They gave me a purpose which I so desperately needed.

And then I got a late night call from my sister telling me that my mother had suffered a stroke.  She was in the emergency room on the other side of the country and I had no way of getting to her.  I longed to hear her voice.  I ached to be near her and to feel that comfort.  She had no idea what I was going through and I had no intention of telling her, but I needed that comfort.  She survived, thank God, and was left with only mild side effects.

Slowly things got better.  I had to make the choice that I wasn’t going to hurt anymore.  Or at least, I wasn’t going to allow that hurt to rule my life anymore.  I still hurt.  Everyday I feel that sting, and while it doesn’t hurt so badly anymore, it’s still there.  It’s just not killing me anymore.  I had to get back to work- deadlines were blown.  I lost a commission.  I had half-finished projects everywhere and I needed to find the will to finish them.  I still couldn’t design, but I had to finish what was already started.  So I got to work.  Knitting has seen me through some hard times, but none harder than this.  I poured my soul into my craft.  I had no one in my life that I could talk to about my situation, and each stitch was like an affirmation that I had more purpose than just being a Mother.  I am an artist.  I create.  And as I was creating, my soul began to heal.  I found myself being thankful for my gift.  I genuinely smiled for the first time in months, and it felt amazing.

Days melted into weeks as I began to get my babies ready to start school.  School supplies took over the dining room, Grandma sent new backpacks.  New clothes and new shoes were picked out.  Haircuts were done.  My youngest was starting kindergarden this year, and it’s a full day kindergarden meaning that she will ride the bus with her brother and sister to school AND from school.  I wasn’t sure I would manage being home all day by myself very well.  It’s been an interesting transition.  The house stays much cleaner, and laundry is much easier to keep under control.  I find myself designing much more, and charting out new ideas.  I’m currently working on my very first cardigan design.

So yeah.  Summer.  SO glad it’s over.  As I sit here typing I see some leaves on the trees behind our house beginning to turn yellow and red.  It’s a welcome sign.

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