Fear of Fear Itself.

My sweet, adorable daughter Lainie just celebrated her 4th birthday.  We did what alot of families do for a 4th birthday party- had a party, ate some cake, and spent way too much money going entirely too far overboard.  And like most American families with adequate health care, we also celebrated with a 4 year old check up.  I voiced some concerns that I had regarding baby girls sleeping habits lately, her reaction of sheer panic over the most simple of things, and her overall behavior in certain, unavoidable situations- and her Pediatritian, whom I love and admire greatly, says she feels confident that Lainie is suffering from severe anxiety.  She told me that I should seek counseling for her to get a proper diagnosis and care.  I was crushed.  Anxiety runs rampant throughout my family- my Mother, at least 2 of my 3 sisters, and myself all suffer from varying levels of anxiety.  My Mother so badly  that throughout my teen years, she was hospitalized several times after suffering debilitating panic attacks.  After talking to my Husband about the situation, we have decided not to seek counseling for her, but to work with her more proactively now, as opposed to reactively.  Before, not knowing what I was dealing with in regards her actions, I would simply put her in the corner, or drag her unwillingly into situations that she just was not prepared to deal with (ie- social functions where most in attendance are adults who love to point her out for her flowing blonde curls.).  So I’ve put a plan into motion that includes alot more explaining what exactly is going to happen before we do anything social, alot more comforting and showing her that the mama bear in me will protect her in any and every situation.  Sometimes I feel that I have to over explain situations to her, but whatever makes her feel more at peace and knowing what to expect, helps her immensely.   We are at the beginning of a very long road, but I am confident that by holding her hand a little tighter, and helping her feel a little stronger, she’s going to be just fine.

Rebecca in Yellow.

I’ve never been much of a yellow person.  But when I first saw photos of Madelinetosh Tosh dk in Candlewick, I fell in love.  Well, maybe it was lust.  Whatever you are in that makes you drop alot of money on freaking yarn- well, thats what I was in.  I bought 6 skeins in dk and a skein in Pashmina from the ever amazing Eat.Sleep.Knit.  I had no idea what this yarn would be knit into, but as referenced in a recent post, that happens to me alot.  But as I bought this yarn in 2010, prior to my promise to myself, Im not too concerned, mostly because I’ve finally decided what it will be.  My lovely Madelinetosh Tosh dk in Candlewick will become an Audrey in Unst cardigan.  I even have a plan for this cardigan.  You see, this is my cardigan for my Husbands deployment home coming.  My yellow ribbon.

So Hubs will be coming home soon.  Well, not SOON soon, but relatively soon.  Soon enough to make me excited enough to look at dresses for homecoming.  Deployment homecomings are strange, emotional events.  So much excitement in the air, so many nervous smiles and anxious, jittery family members waiting together on a flight line or pier or grinder.  I vividly remember last deployments homecoming.  Dad came with me and the kids to welcome D home.  We got to the flight line early, as arrival times can be fickle.  As the crowd of family members grow, the energy becomes erratic.  Is that the plane?  Could that one over there be it?  Criminey, could that chicks dress be any shorter?  Did I really need to choose these heels over sensible flats?  Dad saw the plane first- pointing it out, telling me “I think this one is it!”  We all watched the plane fly over us, then bank back around towards us.  We watched the plane land, and we erupted into an ocean of applause and cheers, grateful that our men and women were now safely on the ground.  As the plane taxied around to park directly in front of us, we readied ourselves to welcome them home.  I remember my Husband stepping off the plane with a beaming grin, equally grateful to be home.  There really is nothing better.  Im extremely anxious to be able to experience it again, and with luck, for the last time in a long time. 

And the dress?  Oh yes… You can find it here!  I think the yellow cardigan will look great with the dress. 

Have a great weekend everyone!

The truth shall out, indeed.

My loving Husband asked me the dreaded question today: “Um, sweetheart,” he began, “just how much yarn have you aquired?”  Crap.  In my minds eye I can see the yarn closet, overflowing in both color and volume.  I can see ziploc bag upon ziploc bag stacked lovingly on top of storage box upon storage box, and the many boxs from Eat.Sleep.Knit that I’ve ran out to the recycle bin before he could catch sight of them.  I love my Husband, no doubt- but this was not a question whose answer I wanted to think about, let alone discuss.  So I referred back to to a book I’ve recently finished reading, At Knits End by the Yarn Harlot, and answered “Enough to insulate a small house, I suppose.”  He didn’t laugh near as hard as I did when I read that bit.  Rather, he scoffed “Becca, are you kidding me?”  No, I most surely am not.  And do you know the sad part is that alot- A LOT of this yarn- was not bought because I ever have the intention to knit with it.  I just wanted to be surrounded by it.  The colors- vibrant and saturated, the overall squish factor.  There were so many reasons that I wanted, needed, this yarn.  None of them practical, but they all seemed to make sense at the time.  But now,  faced with having to explain my logic to my Husband whos steady job keeps my yarn cabinet well stocked, I have to face facts.  I have entirely too much yarn. 

So Im making myself a promise.  Certainly not a resolution, for my own personal reasons, but a promise to myself.  I WILL start to knit down my stash before buying more unneccesary yarn.  I will.  Stop giggling.

Happy New Year to all, and I hope that you make the most of this year and all of the possibilities that it provides!